I’ve been struggling lately.
How can I do my Holiday shopping online without making putrid decisions that’ll make the recipients feel like I don’t like them?
How can I possibly give all my money to Jeff Bezos when he already has far too much and spends it on some very questionable things? (Rockets? You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.)
How can I not be tempted to begin my online Holiday shopping after dinner, which may have involved a glass or two of highly happy-making Pinot Noir that was made not too far from my house by Brad Kitson, who spent far too much of his life in Silicon Valley?
With miraculous timing, Budweiser has stepped in to offer a helping hand.
The beer maker is clearly aware that many people shop online late at night, when they’ve enjoyed one too many tipples. (At least I hope it’s at night.)
In a fit of public-spiritedness, Budweiser has released a public service announcement that tries to help.
Well, it’s not really a public service announcement at all. But if you’re poised on Amazon or any other online retailer late at night, it might help you spend slightly less on things you really don’t need. Or things you really won’t like in the morning.
Apparently, Americans spend $40 billion on online purchases they regret. Things like the pizza-loving sloth shower curtain.
Have you, perhaps, been tempted by such clever items? Budweiser wants you to admit it by going to its website.
Subtly, the company also mentions that it wants you to do your online shopping while drinking Budweiser Zero, its alcohol-free offering.
Some may be uplifted by such a concept. The mere idea there’s a beer-substitute that may save you money, as you’re stuck at home doing your online Holiday shopping, may be a societal positive.
Then again, I fear Budweiser Zero may have more than a passing taste resemblance to Budweiser. This might induce an unhappy feeling in my mouth which could lead to the sudden online purchase of several bottles of perhaps questionable wine via Amazon’s Whole Foods.
There’s a questionable logic, indeed, to Budweiser’s whole premise. “Zero Alcohol. Zero Shopping Regrets,” says the ad. But I can remember buying a wine fridge on Amazon. A wine fridge whose shelves didn’t slide into its grooves and whose whole body made a noise akin to a persistent Rudy Giuliani.
I bought it while entirely sober.
Still, online shopping has surged during the pandemic. Amazon has already boasted of record numbers during the beginning of the Holiday season.
Moreover, some research indicates that alcohol consumption has risen during the pandemic. Perhaps it’s worth, then, being certain that you don’t do your online Holiday shopping while under the influence.
May I suggest decaffeinated green tea as a substitute? It doesn’t taste like Budweiser at all.